I NEED A JOB

i've been unemployed since january. unlike some people i like paying bills--or at least being in a financial situation where i CAN pay my bills. i know that beggars can't be choosers, but i've finally come to the conclusion that there are 3 requirements that must be met by my future employer:

1. there must be a dress code. this implies that i will be wearing clothes.

2. i get paid with money, not gum.

3. the thought of going to work doesn't make me want to throw up and/or stay in my bed all day, all week, or for the rest of my life.

BODY LANGUAGE

today it dawned on me that dancers speak funny when they can't use thier bodies to show what they mean. this "danspeak" is a combination of numbers, body parts, prepositions and unintelligible noises that can barely be communicated through text.

but i'll try...

shhhhew, ba ba da, ya daaa, ha, tick ticka tick, eee, uh, etc.

of course i've only been exposed to ballroom danspeak, i suspect that other forms of dance would use a different dialect; ballet being the most refined.

THE HIGHLIGHT OF AN OVERWHELMING DAY...

was during my french culture class where i played the title role in the miracle play the pregnant abbess where i was impregnated by a trencherman (played by a female classmate) and then saved from disgrace by the Virgin Mary (played by a male classmate).

THE GENDER GAME

so i had an interesting conversation with a friend last night about gender roles. or maybe it was the lack of gender roles. or the lack of fulfilling gender roles. or the change of gender roles. obviously the conversation wasn't very conclusive, so i feel the need to write further on the subject in order to come to some sort of conclusion--or not.

and so the pattern that we know and love is "boy meets girl. boy likes girl. boy asks girl on date (including details such as when and where)." i'm not even going to address what happens after that. frankly most of us don't even get THIS far...which is exactly the issue i'm trying to sort out here. the bottom line is that young people just aren't dating anymore. and if we read in between the lines this means that boys aren't asking girls on dates, and girls are [endlessly, vainly] waiting to be asked. i'd really like to find the gutless worm who is at the head of this cultural revolution and give him a good kick in the face; i'm afraid that a more southerly strike wouldn't have much effect on a demasculinated man.

WHY is this happening?

1. there's this concept of reverse-racism--a term that in and of itself is racist...but it's the only one out there, so i'm using it. reverse-racism says "we're not equals until i have more privileges than you do". example: the american south of the 20th century. i think i can safely say that this applies to the feminist movement as well. when women put their pants on and entered the work force they faced a good deal of discrimination for quite a few decades. rosey the riveter said "i can do anything that a man can do". because, really, it doesn't take a lot of skill to pee standing up. well then those soprano voices decided that "i can do anything that a man can do and i can do it better". and so the alpha female in her power suit started to scratch away at the towering ego of MAN. the concept conjures of images of feisty cats clawing away at carpeted scratching posts. (and yes, that could be a phallic symbol.) so it seems that by crossing the line of gender-dictated boundaries there's just not room for all of us. the delicate balance has been throw off and it's forcing men to toe the line of lady-like living.

how does this relate to our "boy meets girl" scenario? men are afraid of women. women scare men with their degrees and opinions. men feel more at risk when they put themselves in a vulnerable position before a strong woman. what they don't know is that the risk is NOT greater! females are the masters (mistresses?) of the double standard. they want to work nose to nose with men in the office, but when it comes to relationships they'll step back into sweet victorian conventions and wait patiently for prince charming to step up.

2. there's an ancient art known as communication that has been strangled by cordless phones and invisible wifi waves. in an effort to indulge our lazy asses someone came up with text messaging! this is the easiest and safest and lamest way to get a date in the history of mankind. i will say no every time. if i like you i will ask you to call me after assuring you that you will not be rejected. that's really much too generous, but that's what happens when you're desperate. so if he's incapable of having a vocal conversation lasting less than five minutes to ASK her on a date, he's terrified at the prospect of 2 to 3 hours of the same kind of interaction!

3. TBA

A TRUE STORY

the following anecdote is a true story and absolutely reflects the opinions of the author. hyperbole was not used in writing the account as it was not needed:

ENTER sunday school after taking a few wrong turns in order to shorten the uncomfortable length of social time before the class actually starts [late]

FAIL. sit down begrudgingly in the front row.

it seems that my uninterested, closed-book vibe doesn't have the same effect in provo as it does everywhere else in the world. the sweet little thing next to me is positive that i need a friend. she is also sure that i am dying to play 20 questions. and the game begins:

hi! what's your name?!

nice to meet you, i'm ___ (yes, i promptly forgot her name)

so where are you from?!

ooooh i've never been there! are you here going to school, or what?

byu?

i assume that she has already graduated so i ask if she works

yes, i'm a scrapbooker

PAUSE (that makes me really happy inside. i swallow my smile and continue the conversation with a bit more interest this time:)

oh, as a profession?

yes!

so...people pay you to scrapbook for them?

yeah, at a corporate level...i'm in marketing

oh. wow. (she has to be from utah. 10 points if she's from utah) where are you from?

here. orem.

(and we have a winner!)

and as i write this a kid walks past me in the hallway wearing a shirt that says

"I HEART BYU".

THE QUESTIONABLY QUOTABLE PROFESSOR

the "questionably quotable professor" is dedicated to the extraordinary verbal fallacies that spew from my professor's mouth every monday wednesday and friday from 1pm to 1:50 MST.

vocabulary:

mutilization- injury or disfigurement of oneself...not to be confused with self-mutilation.

sermon:

write your personal history now (before you forget who you are and what you stand for?)

world experience:

the shopping malls in Jerusalem are very impressive. they even have high end stores like Talbots!

THIS ONE'S FOR THE LADIES

it happens every month. we get irrational, but just don't understand why until womanhood knocks on the door and hands you a super sized tampon.

and then comes the relief.

"i'm not mentally unstable, it's just PMS."

well WebMD has further enlightened me with the knowledge that the premenstrual cycle begins about 14 days prior to actual menstruation. so just to be clear:

women are crazy during the premenstrual cycle which lasts about 14 days.

women are depressed and bloated during menstruation which lasts an average of 5 days.

women experience, on average, 19 days of hormonal insanity every month.

if a month is 30 days long, a woman cannot be held accountable for her feelings or actions for 63% of that month. risk is increased during the blessed romantic month of february to 68%.

so if you were wondering why i looked up PMS on WebMD, i'd be happy to give an answer on september 29th after i've eaten my weight in ginger snaps.