I NEED A JOB

i've been unemployed since january. unlike some people i like paying bills--or at least being in a financial situation where i CAN pay my bills. i know that beggars can't be choosers, but i've finally come to the conclusion that there are 3 requirements that must be met by my future employer:

1. there must be a dress code. this implies that i will be wearing clothes.

2. i get paid with money, not gum.

3. the thought of going to work doesn't make me want to throw up and/or stay in my bed all day, all week, or for the rest of my life.